just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
