if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
