our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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