She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
