If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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