I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
