seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
