Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
