Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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