You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
