I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
