I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
