he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
