i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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