I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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