if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
