Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My ATM looks so different sober.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
