the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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