She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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