I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
