I bet he comes in French.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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