Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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