I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
