Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
