her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Randomize
