last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
