i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
