This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
