One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize