The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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