I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
