whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
