dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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