I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
