Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
