the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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