Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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