this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
