you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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