WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
