Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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