My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
