Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
