My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
