Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
