She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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