Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
