you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You pole danced in your parka.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
