I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
