i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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