Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
