I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
