Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
