Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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