remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
